“I’ve been in a toxic relationship” — what that really means (and how to navigate it)
- Olga Geidane
- Jul 23, 2025
- 4 min read
You can’t teach someone to receive healthy love if their nervous system still thinks chaos is safer.
We’ve all heard it on a first date or just a bit later:
“My ex was a narcissist.”
“I’ve only had toxic relationships.”
“I’ve been abused, so I have walls up.”
Perhaps, you said it yourself. I certainly did.
And while these statements are often true, they’re NOT the whole story.
In fact, when someone tells you they’ve been in a toxic relationship, it’s not just a past event. It often means their body, their mind, and their subconscious beliefs are still shaped by that toxicity.
Let’s break down what’s really going on - and how to love, hold boundaries, or walk away with compassion (and stay sane!).
What they might actually be saying (even if they don’t know it)
When someone says, “I’ve been in a toxic relationship,” it may sound like they’ve healed from it.
But what it often means is:
“My nervous system is still stuck in a loop of chaos, blame and unpredictability.”
“Calm connection feels foreign or even unsafe to me.”
“I might test you, sabotage things, or expect you to hurt me—because that’s what love has always looked like.”
And here’s the hard part:
Most people don’t realise this is happening.
It’s not conscious. It’s survival programming.
This is why someone who’s been in toxic dynamics can genuinely want love… but:
Overreact to minor issues
Struggle to take accountability
Expect you to read their mind
Interpret boundaries as rejection
Start fights to feel “close”
Or freeze or disappear when things feel too safe.
Why this happens: the drama loop
Toxic relationships condition the body to expect:
Emotional highs and lows
Explosive arguments followed by passionate makeups
Control masked as love
Gaslighting disguised as “communication”
Over time, the nervous system becomes addicted to the adrenaline of chaos. Calm love feels boring. Safety feels suspicious. And clear communication feels threatening.
That person is not choosing this dynamic.
They are repeating it, because their body believes it is normal.
So what can you do if you’re involved with someone like this?
1. Don’t take their triggers personally
Their overreaction isn’t about you—it’s about their past.
The way they shut down, escalate, or spin the story? That’s their trauma trying to protect them.
Don’t personalise the reaction.
Observe it.
2. Hold steady boundaries with compassion
Don’t try to “heal them” by bending over backwards.
That only reinforces the pattern.
Say things like:
“I see you’re upset. I’m here to talk when you’re ready to speak with respect.”
“It’s okay to feel things. It’s not okay to blame me for them.”
Boundaries can be loving, too.
3. Recognise the signs of unhealed wounding
Here are a few red flags that someone hasn’t yet rewired their relationship patterns:
They always blame the ex but take no ownership
Every disagreement becomes a dramatic rupture
They weaponise emotions instead of sharing them
They interpret your needs as control or attack
They create distance when things get too intimate
It doesn’t mean they’re a bad person. It means they need healing.
4. Be honest about what you can (and can’t) do
Not everyone is ready for healthy love.
You can’t rescue someone from a nervous system that feels safer in pain than peace.
But you can choose not to stay in the firing line.
Ask yourself:
“Am I walking on eggshells?”
“Do I feel like I’m always trying to ‘prove’ I’m not their ex?”
“Am I shrinking so they feel safe?”
That’s not love. That’s survival.
Here is a bonus for you:
How to speak to someone still caught in toxic patterns
Here are a few gentle but clear phrases that can shift dynamics without escalating drama:
“I know you’ve been hurt. But I’m not here to fight you—I’m here to understand you.”
“If something feels off, let’s talk about it. We don’t need to explode to be heard.”
“We both deserve a love that doesn’t require constant defending.”
If they’re receptive, beautiful.
If they’re defensive, chaotic, or cruel—you may need to love them from a distance.
Here’s the truth most people avoid: you can’t teach someone to receive healthy love if their nervous system still thinks chaos is safer.
This is why in my Relationship Retreats in Bali and international 1:1 work, we go far deeper than communication tools. We explore:
The original relationship blueprint (usually formed in childhood or even inherited energetically)
The nervous system patterns behind anxiety, avoidance or emotional flooding
Energetic healing to remove past relationship imprints
Tools to rebuild trust, connection and safety.
A true transformation happens not just through mindset or talk - but through the healing of body, heart, soul, and subconscious beliefs.
Ready to rewrite your love story?
Get your 7-Step LOVE Reclamation Method here to discover blockages, stop the pain, as well as reclaim the love you deserve:
Come along to the next online event: Real Talk: Love & Relationships:
Join me for the next Relationship Retreat for couples or singles where we go deep into your relationship blueprint, subconscious patterns and healing tools so you can finally feel safe to receive real love:
You can’t fix someone’s blueprint—but you can transform your own.
And that changes everything.
Why?
Because the healthier your own relationship blueprint becomes,
the less you tolerate chaos,
the faster you spot red flags,
the deeper your boundaries go,
and the more magnetic your energy becomes to those who are truly ready for love.
And you stop chasing healing in others…because you’ve already done it within yourself.
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