Conflict Resolution: Why Your Workplace and Relationship Drama is Actually About You

Conflict.

That delightful experience of clashing opinions, heated arguments, passive-aggressive emails, and the occasional urge to throw a stapler (or a plate) across the room.

Whether it's a tense boardroom showdown, a relationship dispute, or an ongoing cold war with your neighbour over the placement of their wheelie bin, conflict is everywhere.

But here’s the uncomfortable truth - most conflicts aren’t actually about the situation at hand. They’re about you.

Before you object with, “No, they are the problem!” - hear me out.

Most conflicts are deeply rooted in personal triggers, unresolved trauma, and buried emotional wounds. The people we argue with are simply mirrors, reflecting back parts of ourselves that need healing.

Yes, even that colleague who never replies to emails. Even that partner who “never listens”. Even that boss who micromanages you into oblivion.

Let’s break it all down, shall we?

The real source of conflict: it’s personal

Conflict often appears to be about something external - a disagreement over workload, a miscommunication, or a difference in values. But if we dig deeper, we find that the real fuel behind the fire is something much older, much more personal, and usually unresolved.

Case study #1: the CEO who couldn’t handle feedback

One of my clients, a high-flying CEO, came to me fuming over his leadership team constantly “challenging” him. “They don’t respect my authority,” he declared. “They nitpick everything I do!”

After some digging, it turned out his real issue wasn’t his team - it was his unresolved childhood wounds. He had grown up with a hypercritical father who made him feel he was never good enough. Now, any form of feedback felt like an attack. His leadership issues weren’t about his team’s behaviour; they were about his inner child screaming for validation.

Case study #2: the power struggle relationship

A successful entrepreneur I worked with had endless fights with her husband. “He never listens to me! He dismisses my ideas!” she complained. But the real reason she was triggered? She had spent her childhood being ignored by emotionally unavailable parents. Her husband’s behaviour wasn’t the cause of her pain - it was a painful reminder of what she had never healed.

How to identify your triggers in conflict

If you find yourself in the middle of yet another argument, pause and ask yourself:

What is this reminding me of?
- Is this conflict triggering an old wound?
- Have I felt this way before in past relationships, childhood, or other situations?
What emotion is surfacing?
- Anger? Betrayal? Feeling unseen or unheard?
- The stronger your emotional reaction, the deeper the wound.
Am I reacting to the present moment - or my past?
- Are you responding to this situation - or are you really reacting to every similar situation that’s ever hurt you?

Recognising these patterns is half the battle won. The next step? Learning how to actually resolve conflict.

How to resolve conflicts (without losing your sanity)

A. The “pause before you pounce” rule

Before responding in the heat of the moment, pause.

Take a breath.

Count to ten.

Drink some water.

Do whatever you need to not react impulsively - because a reactive response is rarely a wise one.

B. Drop the “win vs. lose” mentality

Conflicts aren’t about winning. If you approach them like a battle, you’re already doomed. Instead, ask:

How can we both feel heard?
What’s the real issue beneath the surface?
Is it worth it?

C. Learn to regulate your nervous system

When we’re triggered, our nervous system goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode. If you’re in conflict and feel your heart racing, voice shaking, or anger bubbling up, take a moment to regulate yourself:

Breathe deeply
Focus on your body (wiggle your toes, feel your feet on the ground)
Remind yourself: This is not a life-or-death situation.
Go to the bathroom, take a few deep breaths in and out and come back refreshed.

D. Get curious instead of defensive

Instead of assuming bad intent, ask why the other person is behaving this way. What might be going on for them? Are they also operating from their own wounds?

Curiosity creates openness, and openness allows resolution.

In many cases, it’s simply your ego convincing you that this conflict is about you - when in reality, it might not be. This is a great opportunity to become more aware of its tricks! You can explore this further in my article on the ego and how it sabotages you here: https://www.olgageidane.com/ego-the-silent-saboteur-of-healers-messengers-teachers-and-protectors

Healing your own unresolved issues (so you stop repeating the same conflicts)

If you find yourself in recurring conflicts (same argument, different people), your subconscious is probably trying to tell you something. The universe loves to send us the same lesson until we actually learn it.

A. Identify your core wounds

Have you always struggled with being heard?
Do you have a deep fear of abandonment?
Do you overreact to criticism?

Once you know the root wound, you can stop expecting others to heal it for you.

B. Process and release trapped emotions

Many of our triggers stem from emotions that get stuck in the body. Techniques like:

Breathwork
Somatic therapy
Journaling (especially about past painful events)
Meditation

…can help release old emotional baggage so that present conflicts stop feeling so personal.

C. Rewire your inner narrative

Instead of repeating the story, “I am never heard” or “People always betray me,” start shifting your mindset:

I am safe to express myself.
I choose relationships where I feel valued and respected.

The more you believe it, the more you’ll attract people and situations that reflect it.

What to do If the other person just won’t change

Sometimes, no matter how much inner work you do, you’ll still encounter difficult people. If someone in your life thrives on drama, refuses to take responsibility, or is outright toxic, you have two choices:

Manage your boundaries.
- Reduce how much energy, time, and emotional investment you give them.
- Stop engaging in power struggles - you don’t have to react to their behaviour.
If necessary, walk away.
- Some relationships (personal or professional) simply aren’t meant to be salvaged. If someone is harming your peace, it’s okay to choose yourself and move on.

And lastly, conflict is your mirror, not your enemy

Every argument, every difficult conversation, every frustrating misunderstanding - it’s all an invitation to look within. Conflict isn’t the problem - it’s a messenger. A guide. A flashlight pointing straight at the places within us that still need healing.

So the next time someone triggers you, pause.

Breathe. Instead of immediately blaming them, ask:

What is this really about?

Because once you heal what’s inside, the outside world has far less power to disturb your peace.

And wouldn’t that be nice?

How did you resolve the latest conflict that you had? I would love to hear from you, comment below or send me an email at Olga@newlifekickstrat.com