How to start talking about sad or negative feelings in a relationship?
Are you just about to send that awful message, saying, “it’s over”?
Do you still LOVE your partner, and maybe you have kids, but it’s just too hard, not possible to keep it going because you've already tried so many times, and you don’t believe things will work out again between you two?
Or maybe you feel that it’s just not the same anymore - that amazing feeling of being in love is gone, and now you are facing the reality of arguing a lot and are not happy anymore?
There can be a million reasons for the situation you are in right now. However, I know the most important one: you realise you need help, and you are willing to learn and understand because you care about your partner, your relationship, and your family!
Let’s talk about…YOU: Feelings and why?
What do you feel at this moment towards your partner?
And what do you think and feel about your relationship?
These questions are too confusing, aren’t they?
Because you are angry, annoyed and want to finish “that all” right now!
Often, we experience too many emotions in situations.
Think, any picture can be either black and white or colour. And only YOU decide what colours are used. Still, often couples don’t realize how important it is to be very clear about their feelings without any exaggeration in any situation, without any of that “she looked at me so and so” or “he told me that with such and such intonation….”
This is the time to take a pen, paper, or other writing tools and use your notebook!
Ask yourself: what do you feel right now, at this moment? Do you feel anger? Disappointment? Loneliness? Name a few things, and let it go. Nothing can be better than relief, so write down what comes into your head! This is your moment when you reveal what was hiding behind barriers. If you feel like being emotional - go ahead; there is no judgement, no gossip here. It’s all about YOU and only for you!
The following questions will help you understand and describe your feelings more easily:
What emotions do you have towards your other half?
Are you trying to stay positive, but reality kicks in, and you cannot control your emotions?
Are you happy or unhappy? Please don’t mention anything like, “in general, I am happy, but…”. It is about this moment: are you HAPPY or NOT?
Are you in love or feeling heartbroken?
Do you feel rejected or excited?
Do you trust your partner?
How do you know if your partner still loves you?
Add any of your questions and answers. The more, the better!
Think of all the possible emotions you are experiencing right now and write them in two columns: positive and negative. It is very important to mention a reason for every particular feeling - what makes you feel this way: is it something your partner says or does? Is it something you have seen? What is the trigger of your emotions?
You are usually keeping it short and dry when it comes to expressing emotions because usually it is your nature, or you were taught so. Or shown. But right now, it’s not about being “a man”, strong and manly; it’s about your future personal life. You must understand what you feel and what makes you feel this way. For example: “I feel ignored (emotion) because my wife isn’t answering my phone calls” (reason)
I know we all are emotional creatures, and we have this amazing talent of creating a massive issue out of nothing - however, remember, it’s not a vocabulary competition here; it’s a simple list of your feelings and triggers/reasons. Keep it clear, without exaggeration - don’t blame your partner; instead, be constructive. For example: “I feel not loved because my partner doesn’t talk to me”.
The most important thing here for you to remember is that what you acknowledge must be real and honest. Remember, it’s all about discovering your feelings and clarifying your reasons.
Once you have done it - read it aloud to yourself, imagining these are someone else’s feelings - what would you say? How would you comment on this all? Is there anything else you would like to add? Give it a few minutes or so and reread it; if anything you think was exaggerated or not written - adjust it accordingly.
And once you are ready, ask your partner when would be a great time to talk about your feelings.
You already know that the phrase "we need to talk" is a killer phrase, so use a gentle approach:
- honey, when would be a good time to talk about something important to me?
And once you have that precious time to both of you, disclose it all fully because that will help your partner learn more about you and your feelings.
I hope that will help you learn more about your feelings and emotions and stimulate more shares in your relationship.